We had an engaging review of the Difficult Conversations communication techniques (summary pdf). We read the outline as a group and implemented the tools in a role play between one parent and his ‘son’ (the group). The parent wanted his son to use a planner and the son is not interested. We used this as a basis to see how the tools can be used to address a challenge/disagreement/frustration between a parent and child.
The volunteer parent was a great sport! He didn’t realize when he volunteered that he would be getting 12 ‘sons’ expressing their points of view to him! 😉 We exemplified that usually what we think/feel about the challenge/situation is really an ‘assumption’. As Difficult Conversations says, “…recognize that your assumption about their intentions is just a guess. Your guess may be right, and it may be wrong. It has definitely generated feelings for you, but your feelings may be based on incorrect conclusions”.
Next week, we’ll dive deeper into the method and work in pairs to get a better handle on the tools available and how to use them in our personal lives.
3.31.25 Recap
Meditation: Sudheer introduced a beautiful meditation to help us expand our compassion and light. Similar to an extended Jyothi meditation but with a slightly different tone. Simple, powerful, and easy to do with our kids! https://youtu.be/Gao4-cwXUr0?si=FhrUouhFHJRODgSv
What new perspectives, inspirations, and ideas did you have from Krish’s talk?
Perspectives:
Seema had full faith, devotion, and confidence in Swami and her understanding of how to raise her children in His Grace. Then her and her husband implemented this vision unwaveringly.
Strictness/discipline guided by love was an effective approach and what Swami encouraged
See Swami as the mother guardian. He said ‘They (the children) are MINE’.
Every moment is a ‘teachable moment’, in terms of teaching the kids balvikas/human values lessons.
‘Put first things first’. The most important thing is to be divine and live in/with divine. Honor this ideology like the treasure that it is and devotedly protect this idea, your children, their environment, relationships, exposure, experiences, etc. so they only live divine. Once you establish this, only then do you include other things like sports, school activities, etc. Be focused and committed! Another way of thinking of it is like an investor who makes sure to ‘pay herself first’. When you’re building a savings/investment account, you pay yourself first, then pay all the bills.
Be consistent and don’t give up!
Inspirations:
Raise our children ‘as saplings growing straight to the Divine’ (Swami). They need just the right light, water, soil and time/attention/cultivation.
Swami says ‘treat your children as you would treat the most precious jewels that you are borrowing from your neighbor’.
We may not be able to replicate the exact experience/environment, but we can adopt the perspective of looking for every chance to include Swami’s teachings and teach balvikas/human values in every day life. Don’t let an opportunity pass by!
No distractions from our duty.
Live the message before teaching it. Because of parenting, we have to change ourselves and be what we are trying to teach before we can truly teach it.
Know your own worth.
Ideas:
Include Swami/Dalai Lama/Divine quotes in the kids’ lunches
Have kids sing bhajans whenever possible (in the shower, car, while they wait to go out the door)
Read Swami/Human Values teachings with the kids each day and have books around for the kids to read on their own.
Be creative with teaching balvikas in the moment at any chance
Indulge the kids in storytelling. Tell stories about your ups and downs and how you handle challenges; about gods/goddesses and mythological stories; etc.
Have a chart of weekly tasks for the kids and parents and hold each other accountable. One parent uses a SAVERS acronym: Silence, Affirmations, Visualization, Exercise, Reading, Scribbling. Everyone is responsible for doing all of these at least 1x/day and chart it. Then the kids’ allowance is based on how well they did each week.
Point out examples of positive or negative behavior in others when you see it, to teach the children through real life experiences (like how Seema pointed out the ‘cool kids’).
Do household tasks together, as a team, so it helps build family harmony, discipline and pride in keeping a clean house for Baba.
3.23.25 Recap:
Wow, wow, wow, what an inspiring presentation by Krish Dewan on ‘Swami’s Guidance in My Upbringing’! An audio recording will be available asap here and in our resources page for your reference. He gave us so much to consider and integrate into our parenting. We’ll discuss more next week of how we can incorporate Swami’s advice but some things that stood out from his story were:
the intense protection of the children’s environment, exposure, and influences. Swami advised his mother, Seema M. Dewan, to ‘never leave them for a second’, and that’s exactly what she did. Even to this day as a young adult, his parents spend an hour each day guiding him in his thoughts and activities.
his parents instilled a high level of discipline (wake each morning at 5am to chant vedams, then spotlessly clean bathroom/house, etc.) backed by love and devotion. He described Swami as the strictest disciplinarian that he knew as well as filled with the most Love.
his environment was curated to be solely focused on Swami’s message. Swami said that Krish and his brothers were ‘saplings growing straight to the Divine’. In consideration of this, all thoughts, actions, deeds should be aimed at helping foster them in this way.
3.16.25 Recap:
Using Seema Dewan excerpts as our guide, we explored our parenting in small breakout groups. Here’s what came out of our discussions:
See your child as Swami. Think, ‘would I yell at Swami like this?; would I address Swami like this?; etc’
See all tasks as an offering to Swami. What you receive back, no matter what it is, is a gift. Just receive it! This takes the idea of ‘work’ out of it. It’s all an offering and in divine flow.
Focus on positive things the kids do, rather than the negative. Most of what they do is positive, but too often we focus/get hooked on the negative.
Neurologically, our brain is designed to focus on the negative for survival, in order to protect our life and our offspring. But in our modern world, we can inspire our kids by highlighting their positive contributions. Then they will want to do more of it because they get attention from positive behavior.
Consider your dharma and svadharma, personal responsibility in accordance with your nature. We all have a purpose in this life. Keep focus on that and on your personal purpose. This will empower you.
Watch thoughts as if they are objects. Throw out any thoughts that you don’t like just like an unwanted object. One parent told their child to imagine that all the thoughts that they didn’t want were on a paper and then had them throw it out. This gave the child a tangible example of how to rid of bad thoughts.
Gratitude is very powerful to retrain our mind. Once we’re used to focusing on gratitude, it really helps us to get through seemingly negative occurrences.
Children are God. We protect our children but don’t have ownership. Swami clearly distinguishes ‘traditional/status quo’ parenting with Human Values parenting.
What is success? It’s the development of kids into people of good character who benefit/help their community
Parenting is also a path of our own spiritual development. Children are not an extension of our own ego but should be molded in the image of God.
#1, Spiritual Development:
Several parents point to major frustrations with their children getting them on their spiritual parenting journey. They appreciate buttons being pushed so they can deal with them. Otherwise, those parts of us would stay in the shadows. Resilience is another quality parents feel they’ve gained through parenting. As well as improving at the 3Ps of purity, patience, and perseverance. One parent realizes what she’s doing for her vs for her children; children are not here to make her happy and she often needs to parent her inner child rather than necessarily parent her kids. It’s so freeing to release control and delve into self reflection!! Parenting has helped build patience and gratitude. Children are truly the gifts of God. Be thankful.
#2, Values:
Be grateful for food – showed videos of people not having food, visited orphanages in Nepal, and gave food. It made an impact on the kids as they interacted with those populations.
Swami says that we should treat kids like someone else’s jewels, rather than your own.
‘Children are going to children’. They will constantly push boundaries, and their SUPPOSED to. We don’t need to take things personally! This is what they are designed to do. Through this, then in other relationships, learn to not take things personally as well.
Be open to teens asking questions and explore the questions with them. Kids will pickup positive things from us by example over time. Keep leading by example.
Their evolution will continue their whole life. Don’t put too much pressure on ourselves that this time is ‘everything’. This is a snapshot in time. Swami never loses patience and keeps teaching us over and over. He may be strict but always patient and encouraging and loving. How we are an example, children will come into the fold accordingly.
2.23.25 Recap:
Wonderful review of Dr. Padma’s brain development presentation. What stood out and was helpful for parents was:
‘They’re not giving us a hard time, they’re having a hard time.’ Keep this phrase in mind for perspective.
Even though a child looks older because he/she is taller and mature, still treating them as a child really helped one parent. It turned out to be more age appropriate communication.
Before age 16yo is a good age to easily pickup things like to learn Hanuman chalisa etc.
Structure (eating, bedtime routine, discipline expectations, etc) is essential before age 7 or preteen Stay calm in their discomfort. Don’t be uncomfortable in their discomfort when they have a meltdown. Stay with them while they have their meltdown until they’re over it. Let them have their feelings and feel supported in that. Once they get it out, THEN you can communicate more logically and problem solve.
One 3yo is teaching her family this song, “If you are mad and want to roar, take a deep breath and count 1 to 4”. She’s encouraging everyone to practice it! 🙂
One parent found it so helpful to realize at a new level how her daughter’s brain is literally not perceiving the situation the same way the parent’s brain is. This helped the parent stay more calm and have more resolve about sticking to the discipline and structure even when the child was talking back or upset.
Mirror neurons are real! The lower our anxiety is, the lower the kids’ anxiety will be. The happier we are, the happier they will be.
Ask kids to re-do the scene when they’ve been rude. Have them walk out of the room and return doing the interaction in a new way.
An amazing presentation by Padma, PhD Neuroscientist, exploring the journey of brain development from tiny tots to adults. By understanding their brain, we might be able to decode aspects that will empower us to become better support systems for our children and make this beautiful journey called “parenthood” less complicated. Please see her slide presentation with wonderful resources:
We shared inspiring quotes and let them inspire our discussion. Our lively breakout groups gave us so many amazing ideas and suggestions! Here’s a summary:
Quotes:
“The end of education is character”
Comments:
How to practice that you are god? A Swami student was struggling to identify as God. Swami asked the student if he can align with being a buffalo? The student said, ‘No, I don’t want to do that!’ Swami encouraged him to shoot higher and keep divine first in his mind.
If you align with an identity, you’ll more naturally do what it takes to be that. Ex: if you align with being a fitness person, you’re likely go to the gym, be mindful of healthy habits, etc. Same goes when you align yourself with being Swami/Divine/God.
Helpful book: Atomic Habits by James Clear, https://jamesclear.com/atomic-habits
One parent recommends to watch your last thought before bed and first thought upon waking.
Phyllis Krystal’s “Figure 8” meditation helped a parent get over challenges and connect to high C
Surrender a challenge to Swami and pray to Swami in both of you. See how it changes the outcome.
A sadhana idea: write down all of God’s qualities. Then track when you are or when you’re not using them.
Communication tips:
In conflicts take deep breaths, be silent, take a step back and think again about how to act. Establish self in ‘I am divine’ very strongly. Then act.
When teen doesn’t follow your prompt to complete homework, stay calm, sleep overnight, and next day be silent and don’t give child attention until child realizes that they didn’t finish their work. Come from place of realizing you are god.
Mom realizes that if she raises her voice with daughter, daughter raises her voice too. But if mom is silent, with a little time, the daughter calms and comes back to kindly communicate later.
Don’t start by lecturing kids. Be open as they get older. Explore the pros and cons of ideas (like vaping) with them.
Use “when… then…” statements rather than “if… then…”
What individual parents will work on this week:
Imagine self as God all day and have triggers to check if mind is being God (ex: as get into car, when eat meals, etc)
One on one time and more family time
Evening walks with child to achieve fitness goal and connection time
Understand child’s world more, stay calm and connected with kids.
Let everyone know they can say anything they want in the safety of the family.
Pause before act rather than react. Be calm when faced with challenges.
Be a resilient and flexible bow in the hands of the Archer/God. The Archer can worry, not me
Swami recommends “Constant Integrated Awareness”, he refers to it as the CIA. One way to practice is in the morning, envision how you want your day to go and plan for it to be that way.
2.2.25 Recap:
Ways parents stay above 50%:
Breath work, being aware of heart rate, see/feel subtle signs and catch it ahead of time, use BEAR method, Phyllis Krystal Maypole and Golden Circle meditation, Jyoti meditation, and recognize personal triggers. From this place we can communicate better with our partner and children.
3 Seconds pause in the middle of a conflict really helped to have a different outcome
Prevention is easier than repair once you’ve dropped below 50%.
Other discussion topics and helpful ideas:
10 Minute special time with our children. It’s a fail-safe way to stay connected and maintain repour with our children. One parent said that even when she asks her teenage clients if they would like to regularly have 10 minutes of one-on-one time with a parent, 100% of the time they say ‘yes’.
Take a scenario and explore your fear, or what’s the worst that can happen. Keep going deeper until you get to a root fear. Then ask yourself what you would do. You’ll find your own resourcefulness and release much of your root fear.
Many kids are comparing their family to other families, particularly in regards to wealth and privileges. Helpful ideas: give examples of how hard you have worked to provide, how much more opportunity you have compared to what your parents could provide to you, and let the child know that they too can work hard to create the wealth they want. See issues from the kids’ perspective too.
Take time to explain our fears to our kids, show our vulnerabilities and uncertainty.
Often we need to not be a friend, not be a parent, but be a leader to our kids/teenagers. When challenged by a child, one parent uses the phrase, “I’m sorry, and this is my dharma”. This indicates to her kids something like, ‘you don’t have to understand, but this is the way I/your leader is saying that it needs to be right now’.
Neurology: certain brain centers fire when kids are with mothers. Often this means that kids need to dump stuff on us because we are their safety. It’s nothing personal, it’s literally built into their development.
1.26.25 Recap:
Anjana offered a wonderful tool to help us be aware of our mental emotional state through the day, our triggers, pre plan how we’ll get above 50% once we have fallen below, and how different the outcomes are if we first get ourselves above 50%. Please see the Anger Management slideshow (https://docs.google.com/presentation/d/1Scg-sq6opvT6XIavmH0YE6DoKCiLZFd2aWhLPh_2GL8/edit) for details if you were not in group.
Homework: Practice, practice, practice. Really be aware of your mental emotional state through the day and where you are on that 100% scale. If you are below 50% what are five ways that you can get above 50%? In situations with your children, in the moment, how will you get yourself above 50%? In challenges with your partner, in the moment, how will you get yourself above 50%? Pre-plan these and try them out this week. In our next class we’ll dive deeper into these ideas and brainstorm more ways to improve.
1.19.25 Recap:
We revisited our parent mission statement. We took 5 minutes to spontaneously jot down words/phrases that describe the parent we want to be and the parent we want our kids to see us as. Then we circled the top 5 words/phrases that represent our ideal and discussed how to make those a reality in our lives over the next 6 months. We’ll revisit these ideas at the end of the semester.
1.12.25 Recap:
Sairam everyone! We had a great discussion on the importance of “listening with patience” (Harmonious Homes, Guide 10, HH Guide 10 – Feb 2024 final.pdf). We addressed two key questions-
Who most understood your feelings, needs, and desires as you were growing up? How did you feel about this person?
How did attention and your ‘feeling understood’ by others impact your motivation and behavior?
Summary of parent responses-
Many parents highlighted the significance of feeling listened to by their parents (mostly mothers at a younger age, dads at a later age) or other significant adults like a neighbor or uncle in their childhood. This made them feel important and heard. Some parents also felt that by giving family responsibilities (like handling budget, investing money and seeking their advice), their parents recognized the desire to contribute to the family. These parents wish to connect with their own kids in a similar fashion.
Some parents felt most understood by their loving and non-judgmental grandparents. This provided them a safe space for expression and often helped validate their feelings of fears.
Growing up in India, communities played crucial roles in providing emotional support for some parents. These experiences influenced their parenting styles and their understanding of the importance of a supportive network.
Some parents brought up the value of self-reflection through journaling or other means, which helped them understand their own emotions and encouraged them to foster similar practices in their children.
One parent finds it very useful to write a letter to Swami and keep it in her alter. She feels it is a way to surrender her problems to a higher force and encourages her son to do the same.
While open discussions about listening, feeling, and verbalizing emotions weren’t common when we were growing up it is important to recognize their crucial role in personal development.
What are some barriers to Patient Listening that we as parents face today?
Time Constraints: The demands of busy life often leave parents with limited time for in-depth conversations with their children.
Personal Inhibitions: Discomfort with vulnerability and ingrained parenting styles can hinder parents from truly listening and empathizing with their children.
Perfectionism: Parents may feel pressure to provide “perfect” solutions or guidance, preventing them from truly understanding their child’s unique perspective.
Desire to fix the problem: Sometimes the problem that the child brings up just needs to be heard, they may not be seeking our advice, but we feel the need to jump and fix it.
Strategies for Active Listening
The 1-2-3-4 Tool: This framework helps you respond to your child in the way they desire. If they come to you with a complaint/issue, ask them if it is a 1,2,3 or 4 BEFORE you respond.
1 – Listen: Simply listen and acknowledge the child’s feelings. 2 – Listen and Offer Guidance: Provide gentle insights, support, and perspective from your life experience 3 – Work Together: Collaboratively brainstorm solutions. 4 – You (parent) take over: Acknowledge that your child needs you to step in, and is seeking your full support.
Align-Elevate-Shift Technique Align: Express empathy and understanding (“I’m sorry this happened”). Elevate: Help them elevate their emotional state (either working with them if they desire or leaving them alone) Shift: Provide your insights, guidance, and perspective from your life experience. At this stage, they will be much more likely to truly listen and hear what you are saying!
First you must know yourself, then you must observe and listen patiently to your child – patient listening. Only then you will know your child. –Sathya Sai Baba
Parent Study Circle is a weave of 3 things: Learning, Living, and Supporting
Learning Swami’s advice on how to raise a good human and create a harmonious home.
Living practical skills to put these teachings into practice.
Supporting is “parents supporting parents.” Sharing challenges as well as successes and new ideas and tips.
Why come to Parent Study Circle?
Come because you are already here and might as well enhance yourself as your kids enhance themselves.
Because you want a supportive community on your parenting journey.
Because you want a strong harmonious family.
Because you want to live more LOVE in your family.
Each month will include:
Exploring Swami discourses that relate with parenting issues.
Tools from modern parenting sources that help us live/implement Swami’s teachings, human values, and skills to address family challenges.
Harmonious Homes program material, which is a wealth of information direct from Swami’s teachings on how to create a harmonious home.
Discussing how we are applying what we have learned, successes and challenges.
A family friendly meditation that you can practice with your children.
Guest speakers like a child psychologist or Sai community members who have grown children and can share their wisdom.
Sai Ram, Anjana offered a wonderful tool to help us be aware of our mental emotional state through the day, our triggers, pre plan how we’ll get above 50% once we have fallen below, and how different the outcomes are if we first get ourselves above 50%. Please see the Anger Management slideshow (presented previously) for details.
Homework: Practice, practice, practice. Really be aware of your mental emotional state through the day and where you are on that 100% scale. If you are below 50% what are five ways that you can get above 50%? In situations with your children, in the moment, how will you get yourself above 50%? In challenges with your partner, in the moment, how will you get yourself above 50%? Pre-plan these and try them out this week. In our next class we’ll dive deeper into these ideas and brainstorm more ways to improve.
